Moving Day

Alright, moving day is upon us. Fortunately Timmy isn't sick, but my stomach is a ball of butterflies anyway. Waiting for news to come down on the when and how, but it's for sure happening.

It's funny, because people keep asking me how I feel about it. Like that's the simplest question in the entire world. I feel excited, sad, stressed, nervous, homesick, happy. It's kind of all mixed up in one ball. Depending on which way you turn it, it's how I feel at that moment. Or maybe it's more like a 12 sided die and I'm rolling for emotional stats. I'm not sure which metaphor works better so I'll leave both of them for you readers. Whoever you may be.

The breakdown:

Excited (and nervous), because it's a new beginning and new chapter. It's a place that isn't overshadowed by past hurts and events that linger on and on and on. I have a hundred new projects in the corners of my mind and in a little over a month, the adventure of marriage that I thought I'd never start on will begin.

Sad, because I'm leaving people I do love. I may not love it here, but it's been filled with some of the best people I've met in my life. Most of them I didn't get to know as well as I should have, but that's on me and I can't change the decisions and excuses I've made. I also feel a little like I'm abandoning the memory of Syndea. It doesn't matter that academically I understand that the boys and her are in my heart not in the streets, trees and winds of here. Getting out and somewhere we can make something of ourselves would have made her so happy, but there's still this part of me that feels like I'm leaving her forever and that I'm going to let myself start forgetting.

Stressed, because time is a bitch and there's not enough of it, it turns out. This is pretty much the whining of a procrastinator and nothing new in my life so moving on to the next one.

Homesick, because (as a friend of mine put it to me) I'm going the wrong way. A big part of me wishes I was headed back to California. I miss the beaches and the redwoods and the air and the food and my friends and family. The last part of that more than anything. I know I can't change the things that keep me from there and I don't think I would. The positive side is that I'm homesick for my comfort zone and I think the best thing I can do for myself is to kick myself out of my comfort zone.

Happy, because this is the biggest act of love, devotion and trust I have ever made. I am going to the East Coast on the faith that Jeff is a good man and that everything is going to turn out like it should. I have never been the person to do this. And if anything, that shows two things: I can grow as a person and he that good of a man to bring it out in me.

And there you have it. A little peek into my mind. Which despite intentions is all this blog is really turning out to be...